Friday, August 31, 2012
So this summer I took some time off. My wonderful step-father was ill. Of four siblings, I am geographically the closest to my mom and started helping her keep track of her business last year when he became ill. Eighteen months after his diagnosis, he passed on July 3rd, 2012. A great loss to all who knew him and some who barely knew him. You see, he was one of those people you liked immediately upon meeting and admired upon hearing him make a piano sing. He was kind, and a great listener. I loved him very much.
So often it is the passing of someone young that makes us reassess life, but his passing changed something in me…. changed my perspective on life and what is important… I have been in a tiny bit of an existential crisis ever since. Watching someone deteriorate against his will can do that to you. Richard was 85 years old and he wasn’t done in his mind and heart. He loved his life and wanted to stick around.
Almost 200 people showed up to his service.
Here was the thing: everyone said the same thing: “He was so kind, humble, a great listener, welcoming, and a pleasure to talk to.”
Did anyone care what he did for a living? How much money he had? What awards or accolades he may have accumulated. Nope.
Two other wonderful men in my world who passed in the last year were both great listeners: Mario, the owner of the dance studio I have been attending for 8 years, and Douglas, my spiritual teacher, mentor, and friend. I (and many many others) cherish those talks with Mario and will forever be grateful to Douglas for his absolute presence and love.
The truth is, we are all thinking about our own lives and our own families. We spend our days figuring out how to pay our bills and manage our little worlds. And when we meet someone who takes the time to listen and hear our story, we are touched by that. We remember and treasure those moments and feel connected to that person in some very basic way – forever.
Love is your legacy. Think for a moment what people will say at your funeral. I’m pretty convinced that no one will mention your promotion at work or the size of your home…. or even whether or not you got that novel finished. And they sure as hell won’t talk about the 10 pounds you never lost!
If you do it right, they will talk about your love of life, your kindness, and that you took the time to really hear what they had to say…. especially your kids. They love it when you get away from the computer and listen.
Love is your legacy.
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Thursday, March 8, 2012
Whether you are about to be married, just married, or have been partners for many years, you need to talk to about money. I don’t mean yell about it…. I mean really have a conversation about it. There are many crucial components to a lasting marriage, but MONEY seems to be more difficult to talk about than sex. Talking about sex can at least lead to having sex…. money talks don’t usually end that way. In fact, money resentments usually lead to sexless marriages….
Therefore, first and foremost, do NOT have this discussion in bed. Get out of bed and go into the kitchen if you are suddenly find yourself on this subject while propped up watching TV. I am a huge proponent of protecting your sex life and the sexiness of your bedroom… but that’s another post.
Find a neutral time and place when you are not fighting about it and agree to approach this with interest and curiousity.
Ultimately the goal is to reach “a shared vision” around money and, eventually, all areas of your relationship.
Things to remember:
1. Whether you realize it or not, you learned a lot of core values and lessons about money growing up in your family of origin. I am here to tell you that your family was not right about everything. There is more than one way to look at money. Your partner has learned their own values and lessons about money too. They could have been rich or poor and your partner may want to do the exact opposite of everything their own family did. Money is emotional, the lessons and/or scars run deep, and it is a more personal issue than we sometimes realize. Approach the subject with an open mind… and an open heart.
2. Listen to each other tell the story of money in their lives… growing up. Did they know if their parents were stressed about bills? Did they talk about it? Did they learn to admire or resent people with money? How were credit cards handled in their family? How do they feel about carrying debt? Filing bankruptcy? Gambling? Saving? Did both parents work? What were the MESSAGES they heard about money and abundance or lack thereof??? Again, you may be surprised at the emotion, the shame, the pride, and the so-called absolutes, around the topic.
3. It sounds terribly un-romantic, but you two run a family business together. The Business of Your Family. So the two CEO’s that come from different “business schools”, now have to run things together. Believe me, the more clarity the two of you can have around this topic, the more room there is for love to grow (and sex to happen!) You must be on the same team. So therefore, take these questions above and discuss how you two, together, would like to approach these topics for YOUR family. You are the creators now. How much do we have? How much do we want? How much can we save? How much can we splurge? What feels like a splurge to you? How do you feel about credit cards? Gambling? Investments?
And what kind of words do we want to say to our children about money? Is it “no! don’t be ungrateful, we don’t have money for that” or is it “it’s ok to want it, but that’s not in the budget, maybe next time.” Do you want to have a family “wish list” or vacation goals?
When the two of you share the vision, you can actually enjoy the benefit of being married and not feeling alone in the world financially and emotionally. With a positive approach to running the business as a team, you will find that money will come into your life more easily and that you can enjoy the other aspects of your relationship and family far more.
4. A word about “Financial Infidelity” – This painful problem is when there is a partner who “cheats” by hiding thier spending and running up credit cards without the other’s knowledge. This can be a bigger betrayal than sexual infidelity because there is so much actual damage to the other partner. That partner now has years of payments, debts, and interest to deal with after the spending binge has happened. This can turn your finances upside down and can wreak more havoc in your romantic life than a sexual betrayal. Both are painful; both have long term effects. You must seek help the first time this happens. You are bound by law to deal with what your spouse does financially, and in the same way that you would seek help if they were doing drugs, spending addiction requires attention!!! This website and many others provide information about what consitutes an addiction and what kind of help is out there. http://www.addictionrecov.org/Addictions/?AID=34
You cannot escape the subject of money in your marriage. Better to talk about it now than waste it all on divorce lawyers later. Remember: You are on the same team and you want a shared vision. Approach the topic with “interest and curiousity” and honor each other’s history. Oh, and not in the bedroom! : )
I love working with couples around this topic… if you are both willing to talk about it, I am happy to help. Check out coaching packages at http://makeyourlifefabulous.com/sophie/
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Friday, February 24, 2012
My latest news is that I have launched a Kickstarter Campaign.* Who knew how all-consuming this would be. There is still coaching, the radio show, writing, and let’s not forget those pesky offspring to take care of. Actually, my kids aren’t pesky; they are awesome, and I, these days, could be a better mom. I’m stuck somewhere between feeling guilty and feeling scared that being a good mom means giving up my dreams. I need to take my own advice – so here it is. And I am writing this as much for myself as I am writing it for you!
There are 4 major points to remember. One: Creativity is important to your spirit; kids are transient and you must have something to show for your life beyond keeping them alive.. Two: It’s important that your children see you having something that you are passionate about. Three: Just because the computer is there, doesn’t mean you have to sit in front of it. Four: It’s all about the process – breathe.
Create for your soul
Sometimes we forget that kids are transient. I know they will always need you – especially these days… they never move out! But seriously, even if they are still living with you, by the time they are 20, they are pretty much choosing their own destiny and really aren’t that interested in what you have to contribute, other than money. They certainly don’t need you to pack them a lunch or do a bed time routine anymore… what I’m saying is – they won’t always need you to plan your life around them.
Creativity can be anything from writing, dancing, or painting, to starting a business or doing research. If you are passionate about it, your action and involvement with that passion is, by nature, creative. This feeds your soul. If our nature is to evolve and expand, just like stars, plants, and the Universe, then passion is the fuel and creative action is the expansion.
Expand in front of your Kids
There are lots of grown up things we do not do in front of our kids. Let expansion and creativity be among those things you do model for them. Once, my kids asked me why I still take dance lessons if I already know how to dance.
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Thursday, December 1, 2011
From Meredith in Colorado Springs, Colorado:
The holidays are an especially hectic and stressful time of year for me and my husband. I come from divorced parents, which is a balancing act year-round, and my husband lost his mother several years ago, which is always difficult around the holidays. This Christmas, on top of the usual craziness, I am pregnant and will have my paternal grandparents in town as well! How can we maximize time spent with all of our family without stressing me (and subsequently the baby)?
Dear Meredith,
You do have a challenge. Pleasing everyone would be a bona fide Christmas miracle! So the most important thing to do first is to ask yourself how you would like to see the holidays go and ask your husband how he would like to see them go. Then you can craft a plan from your joint vision and approach the extended family as a united front.
Logistically speaking, one option is to host Christmas Eve or December 23rd at your place, which gives you more control around scheduling and driving. You can invite your Dad, of course, because his parents are already there. If you keep it very simple, maybe make a yummy stew and ask someone to bring dessert, you can cover your paternal side and even your husband’s family in one evening – in a place where you know you can put those pregnant feet up. Then you can do Christmas Day or Eve at your mom’s. I’m assuming in this scenario she would prefer not to attend if your dad is there. Your mom will be happy to have you on Christmas or Christmas Eve! Hopefully, she will understand, considering your houseguests, that it makes sense to host your dad’s side for an evening. This scenario could keep it to two events, total!
If this is your first baby,
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Monday, May 23, 2011
Dear Sophie,
I am a 30 year old who recently moved back home to get out of credit card debt. I have 3 credit cards that total over $40,000 in debt. I decided to move back home with my parents for a few years so that I could pay off these credit cards and buy a house someday.
The car I am driving is old and sucks. I work very hard and have nothing to show for it. Since I moved back home with my parents, my self esteem is at an all time low. Right now they are advertising the Lexus ES at a very affordable lease rate and so I went to the dealership to get one. Because my credit is so bad, they told me I need a cosigner. When I asked my parents to cosign, they totally freaked out. They are upset that instead of lowering my credit card debt I am charing the down payment ($2400). I don’t see what the big deal is. My payment was going to be around $400 a month. Now they want to start charging me $400 a month rent! I think they are just jealous that I would be driving a nicer care than they are. I am 30 years old and they need to stop controlling my life! what do I do?!!!
My Free Advice:
Well, congratulations on knowing that it’s important to get out of debt.
However,
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